I'm alright. Tell me you're alright.

So I haven't really been keeping up with this in case you haven't noticed, but enough of stating the obvious. I'm at a point in my life where it feels like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing effectively. I have a full time (technically part time, but I'm always scheduled 40 hours) job, I received a raise, and I'm starting to save money so I can get a car, and whatever else I need. It's weird though, I never have time to see my friends or anything, but I'm not really sad about it. I'm not saying I don't like my friends, I love them more than anything, but it would always feel like a burden when they'd want to hang out with me, mainly because I live in the middle of podunk fucking nowhere, and they'd have to drive to come see me, and hang out with me, and I've always felt like I never really had anything special to offer, so it was just a big waste of time to them, you know?
There's this song I've been thinking about a lot lately; the lyrics are "I hate my friends 'cause they make me think about the smile that I'm faking". This sticks out a lot lately in my brain. You know how everyone has a different opinion of you, and you have this own opinion of yourself? Well I guess it varies based on your relationships of those people around you, but have you ever really thought about your own opinion of yourself, or your own relationship with yourself? Like when you think about how you're acting around friends, you don't wanna act like a big doucher in front of them, right? Well I figured out I was being a big doucher to myself by not having my shit together. I mean why shouldn't I be my own best friend? I spend the more time with myself than anyone else, I should want what's best for me, right?
Well after an introspective examination of myself, I realized if I don't know if I'd be a good friend to myself. If I were evaluating myself like a psychiatrist or something though, I'd probably say it's because I don't like myself. That's not true though, the more I thought about it, I realized relationships are malleable, and are codependent on the other person in the relationship or friendship, or any kind of ship. Oh shit, I said I wasn't gonna state the obvious. :( Anyways, I think maybe everyone has a sort of identity crisis, because we all act different around different people. It's just that when I'm alone at home, I'm probably the most boring person ever. I'm perfectly happy doing absolutely nothing, and because of this, I think it makes me less fun to other people I'm around, because I don't know anything to do. My idea of having fun is probably way less fun to everyone else.

I had a point to this story somewhere, but it kind of derailed somewhere, I'll elaborate more soon, I'll keep up with this blog more now, I promise. I have some topics I still want to write about.

I guess I've been a little lackadaisical on updating my blog... but that's just because I'm not too interesting, or interested in anything lately. Plus, all my thoughts I normally like to keep to myself, mainly because I'm in a constant battle to decipher what the hell I'm talking about. Haha, I'm just trying to sound cool, I'm not that crazy. Really though, one of my favorite parts of the night is when I'm half asleep, between the stage of being aware, and being asleep, where you're like kinda half-dreaming. That's where all my best thoughts come from, and they've been a great inspiration for lyrics. The only problem is whenever I'm half-asleep, and I try to make a note of them on my phone, and they end up being all cryptic.

The way my mind works, pieces are linked together pretty often, so if I make a mental note to remember a certain thing, or a series of things, by remembering something else, in a smaller, more generic way, I'll remember it. It can be pretty unconventional. Or maybe it isn't, I don't know how other people's minds work. If that doesn't make any sense let me try to consolidate my thoughts here. Basically, I can look at something, just any simple thing, (it can be a single word) and I can allow it to proliferate into a manifested cogitation, from which I can easily express an array of thoughts, into something that will be useful to me. For example, in school when I would take notes, I would merely write down one word, and from that one word, I would devise everything I would need to know about that specific question, sometimes even a whole test, and that would be me studying. When I'd look at everybody else's notes, they'd have a full notecard, in small writing, and I always thought I was doing something wrong with my note-taking. I thought maybe I was just taking notes incorrectly, but looking back, I adapted my thoughts and practices to the way that best suited my needs, which frankly is human nature.

It's just my nature has always been different from everyone else's; I've noticed I have been more schizophrenic in some aspects of things, things I am comfortable with, but when there is something I'm not comfortable with, I'm oftentimes more reserved, maybe even shy, or unsure. It's harder for me to think about something that I've had no experience with, but as soon as I learn what I'm doing, I always try to find my own way to do it.

Oh well, I think I got a little carried away. I think I'll stop before I come more exacerbated. Ciao!

Merry Christmas!

This holiday really makes me a happy man. It really makes me feel blessed and loved. There's nobody on the earth that will love you more than your own family. It's a special kind of love that you just can always feel. Haha Christmas Eve at my grandma's house was magnificent. It's really a great thing seeing your perspective change throughout the years and recognizing everything. When I was a kid, man, I'd be all gathered around all the adults running around being the annoying kid, but now I'm one of the adults, and it's great they don't treat me like a kid anymore. It's like once you become an adult they'll talk to you about anything. Anything stupid, anything great, anything utterly ridiculous. Also, I never would have realized that the Beatles: Rockband would bring the whole family closer to everyone. It was great, they set it up, and I guess none of my family's ever heard me drum before, and never really knew how good I was. But really... the Beatles aren't anything impressive anyways to drum to, but they were all like "wow you're so good!" The funny thing was I was halfway drunk and playing the drumset with wooden spoons because they forgot the drumsticks. And apparently my brother and I bring out the worst in my badass cousin's badass husband. We all gathered around and did a shot or two for my pops, me my brother and my cousin's husband, derek, and we got him all wasted. That's what family's about right there. Not giving a shit, and unconditional love.

Oh man, there was this little kid there that reminded me of my brother, but like 6 years old. He was a little smart ass, but it was cute. I walk in the room, and my brother asks the kid "how old does Matt look?" and this little kid, zach, answers "30?" and i'm just sitting there cracking up. He's saying all sorts of crazy shit. And then my other little cousin, he's 13 now, rags on my brother, saying "I have this thing called Justin disorder, I have to get a shot in my face to get rid of the ugly" and i swear I was laughing for like 10 minutes from that shit.

So anyways, moral of the story, remember, your family's always gonna be there, and support you no matter what, even if you only see them a few times a year, they'll be there for you if you ever need anything.

Also, I'd like to congratulate my friend Kenneth on his engagement! Congratulations Kenneth! If anyone deserves to be happy, it's you, because you work hard for everything you do, and you deserve everything you get, and everything you work for, and I wish you the best, even though the wedding, and all the details are probably super far away, but I'll help you with anything you need!

A new year upon us?

Well my resolutions this year totally never came to fruition, but you know what? I'm not even that mad about it. I mean sure I'm about to be 22, sure I still live at home, sure I still have no car, no definite future on the horizon, but you know what? I have good fucking friends, and a bunch of people who care about me. And that's really important to me you know? My dad always said to me, something I always took to heart... "If you have one best friend all your life, you did a good job" or something similar, I paraphrased, and I'm starting to realize... all these people who have been here for me, or over there for me no matter what. I have a bunch of badass friends that will give me rides places and not even complain. The shitty part about it is, they all want what's best for me, but for some reason I'm unwilling to compromise with myself. Countless people know I'm too good for this town, and it's slowly sucking my soul away, but all I can tell myself is "I'll change my habits tomorrow", but tomorrow never fucking comes. Where was I all this year? I was comfortable in being fastened to my status quo, immersed in all this self-doubt, afraid of not succeeding. But seriously Matthew... What the fuck are you waiting for? I don't know what you're trying to gain by not putting in any effort... You're not going to go back to school by working only 20 fucking hours a week, or save any money to move out, or to buy a car, and you're not going to get your license if you're gonna be a big pussy just because you failed your driving test over a year ago, because you were nervous as fuck when you took it, are you? This brobdingnagian (thank you thesaurus, and Gulliver's Travels) catalyst you're always expecting to punch you in the face has no hands Matthew, so put down the fucking silver platter life handed so eloquently to you, and just jump out of the plane. Don't let down your friends that never let you down. If you don't want to do it for yourself, please do it for them. I mean you obviously care enough about how routine you are about life, but why do you think about it constantly, but never do a goddamn thing about it? I know deadlines are for chumps, but please Matthew... Make this your year.

It's always nice when someone takes an interest in something you do. Someone told me I have a good vocabulary, which was an unusual compliment, but for some reason it made me feel proud. Haha. So we got to talking, and I told her it was because I always had an interest in writing. Then we started talking about my blogs, (not this one, the ones on my myspace that have all sorts of crazy ass imagery and stuff) and I told her how they have hidden meanings most of them, which is true, albeit spread between all my long-winded images I provide. So anyways I guess the point I'm trying to make is maybe if someone else can take an interest in what I do, maybe I'll be more motivated to actually do the stuff I'm good at doing... ya know? I was thinking the other day some of the things I'm actually really good at, would make people totally jealous, but here I am sitting letting my talents go to waste. And for some reason, I haven't really made the connection in my brain that writing and music go together. Oh another thing that's nice is when you're an influence to anyone. Well... a good one at least. Like my manager from work, she had a birthday party for her son... close to a year ago, actually, and my old band played for his birthday party, and ever since he's taken such an interest in music, particularly drumming, and he's even joined band, and he actually practices, and does well. Just thinking about that makes me super happy. Maybe one day this kid will be famous, and a drummer in a famous band, making millions, and he has me to thank for getting him into music, even if I'm just sitting there in the nosebleed section watching him, I'll feel like I had a part in making someone's life great.

Hello World.

Time for my awkward introduction blog explaining the basic template of what this blog is gonna be all about: "blah blah blah, feelings, holy shit, wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, rant, rant, pun, sarcasm, rant," Good, now that the technical stuff is outta the way, I don't really care who reads this, because this is pretty much for getting stuff off of my chest, and outta my head. So basically, it's a blog. Cool story, Matthew. But, fellow people out there reading this, I appreciate you stopping by, and please don't mind my long pedagogical harangues I often find myself littering my... manuscripts with. They're here for your enjoyment, and my ritualistic penchant for distracting myself from anything I need to be distracted from. Also, I'm a poseur because my title is obviously lyrics from Lawrence Arms, but man... it's just so hard to think of titles for things. I'll probably end up naming my kids numbers, just because I don't wanna be pressured to think of a name that will suck, and they'll end up resenting me the rest of their lives. Boy I'm gonna make a great father.