I'm alright. Tell me you're alright.

So I haven't really been keeping up with this in case you haven't noticed, but enough of stating the obvious. I'm at a point in my life where it feels like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing effectively. I have a full time (technically part time, but I'm always scheduled 40 hours) job, I received a raise, and I'm starting to save money so I can get a car, and whatever else I need. It's weird though, I never have time to see my friends or anything, but I'm not really sad about it. I'm not saying I don't like my friends, I love them more than anything, but it would always feel like a burden when they'd want to hang out with me, mainly because I live in the middle of podunk fucking nowhere, and they'd have to drive to come see me, and hang out with me, and I've always felt like I never really had anything special to offer, so it was just a big waste of time to them, you know?
There's this song I've been thinking about a lot lately; the lyrics are "I hate my friends 'cause they make me think about the smile that I'm faking". This sticks out a lot lately in my brain. You know how everyone has a different opinion of you, and you have this own opinion of yourself? Well I guess it varies based on your relationships of those people around you, but have you ever really thought about your own opinion of yourself, or your own relationship with yourself? Like when you think about how you're acting around friends, you don't wanna act like a big doucher in front of them, right? Well I figured out I was being a big doucher to myself by not having my shit together. I mean why shouldn't I be my own best friend? I spend the more time with myself than anyone else, I should want what's best for me, right?
Well after an introspective examination of myself, I realized if I don't know if I'd be a good friend to myself. If I were evaluating myself like a psychiatrist or something though, I'd probably say it's because I don't like myself. That's not true though, the more I thought about it, I realized relationships are malleable, and are codependent on the other person in the relationship or friendship, or any kind of ship. Oh shit, I said I wasn't gonna state the obvious. :( Anyways, I think maybe everyone has a sort of identity crisis, because we all act different around different people. It's just that when I'm alone at home, I'm probably the most boring person ever. I'm perfectly happy doing absolutely nothing, and because of this, I think it makes me less fun to other people I'm around, because I don't know anything to do. My idea of having fun is probably way less fun to everyone else.

I had a point to this story somewhere, but it kind of derailed somewhere, I'll elaborate more soon, I'll keep up with this blog more now, I promise. I have some topics I still want to write about.