I'm alright. Tell me you're alright.

So I haven't really been keeping up with this in case you haven't noticed, but enough of stating the obvious. I'm at a point in my life where it feels like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing effectively. I have a full time (technically part time, but I'm always scheduled 40 hours) job, I received a raise, and I'm starting to save money so I can get a car, and whatever else I need. It's weird though, I never have time to see my friends or anything, but I'm not really sad about it. I'm not saying I don't like my friends, I love them more than anything, but it would always feel like a burden when they'd want to hang out with me, mainly because I live in the middle of podunk fucking nowhere, and they'd have to drive to come see me, and hang out with me, and I've always felt like I never really had anything special to offer, so it was just a big waste of time to them, you know?
There's this song I've been thinking about a lot lately; the lyrics are "I hate my friends 'cause they make me think about the smile that I'm faking". This sticks out a lot lately in my brain. You know how everyone has a different opinion of you, and you have this own opinion of yourself? Well I guess it varies based on your relationships of those people around you, but have you ever really thought about your own opinion of yourself, or your own relationship with yourself? Like when you think about how you're acting around friends, you don't wanna act like a big doucher in front of them, right? Well I figured out I was being a big doucher to myself by not having my shit together. I mean why shouldn't I be my own best friend? I spend the more time with myself than anyone else, I should want what's best for me, right?
Well after an introspective examination of myself, I realized if I don't know if I'd be a good friend to myself. If I were evaluating myself like a psychiatrist or something though, I'd probably say it's because I don't like myself. That's not true though, the more I thought about it, I realized relationships are malleable, and are codependent on the other person in the relationship or friendship, or any kind of ship. Oh shit, I said I wasn't gonna state the obvious. :( Anyways, I think maybe everyone has a sort of identity crisis, because we all act different around different people. It's just that when I'm alone at home, I'm probably the most boring person ever. I'm perfectly happy doing absolutely nothing, and because of this, I think it makes me less fun to other people I'm around, because I don't know anything to do. My idea of having fun is probably way less fun to everyone else.

I had a point to this story somewhere, but it kind of derailed somewhere, I'll elaborate more soon, I'll keep up with this blog more now, I promise. I have some topics I still want to write about.

I guess I've been a little lackadaisical on updating my blog... but that's just because I'm not too interesting, or interested in anything lately. Plus, all my thoughts I normally like to keep to myself, mainly because I'm in a constant battle to decipher what the hell I'm talking about. Haha, I'm just trying to sound cool, I'm not that crazy. Really though, one of my favorite parts of the night is when I'm half asleep, between the stage of being aware, and being asleep, where you're like kinda half-dreaming. That's where all my best thoughts come from, and they've been a great inspiration for lyrics. The only problem is whenever I'm half-asleep, and I try to make a note of them on my phone, and they end up being all cryptic.

The way my mind works, pieces are linked together pretty often, so if I make a mental note to remember a certain thing, or a series of things, by remembering something else, in a smaller, more generic way, I'll remember it. It can be pretty unconventional. Or maybe it isn't, I don't know how other people's minds work. If that doesn't make any sense let me try to consolidate my thoughts here. Basically, I can look at something, just any simple thing, (it can be a single word) and I can allow it to proliferate into a manifested cogitation, from which I can easily express an array of thoughts, into something that will be useful to me. For example, in school when I would take notes, I would merely write down one word, and from that one word, I would devise everything I would need to know about that specific question, sometimes even a whole test, and that would be me studying. When I'd look at everybody else's notes, they'd have a full notecard, in small writing, and I always thought I was doing something wrong with my note-taking. I thought maybe I was just taking notes incorrectly, but looking back, I adapted my thoughts and practices to the way that best suited my needs, which frankly is human nature.

It's just my nature has always been different from everyone else's; I've noticed I have been more schizophrenic in some aspects of things, things I am comfortable with, but when there is something I'm not comfortable with, I'm oftentimes more reserved, maybe even shy, or unsure. It's harder for me to think about something that I've had no experience with, but as soon as I learn what I'm doing, I always try to find my own way to do it.

Oh well, I think I got a little carried away. I think I'll stop before I come more exacerbated. Ciao!